In The Line Of Fire

 "What do you see when you're in the dark, and the demons come?" - Frank Horrigan (In The Line of Fire)

It's 4 am as I start to write this.  It has been something bouncing around in my head for a while, and if you know me I'm all about dumping shit off your chest.  I'm a big advocate for cops seeking out mental health resources.  That can be with a licensed counselor, a PhD'd doctor, a clinician, a good friend, or just a buddy at work.  We all need to vent out work related stresses, and when we don't it should be no surprise police officers have a higher rate of suicide than other professions.  And in Chicago we are found to be even higher within the profession.

My first dead body was an elderly man that had a lot of health issues and his kids couldn't get him on the phone.  We made entry and found him.  He was long gone.  But I clearly remember 2 distinct things about him, his eyes (which were still open) and his hand was grasping the cord for the phone and it was obvious he was trying to pull it off the table since he fell on the floor.  The phone was hanging off the edge of the table.

My first murder scene was a 19 year old man that was gunned down after leaving a store with a bag of chips and a red pop.  He was tangled up in his bicycle and hanging half way upside down and pinned against the wall.  My FTO at the time had to shake me out of a trance I got into as I was putting up crime scene tape and just staring at this guy.  I also happened to heard the gunshots from the parking lot of the district I was in at the time.  It was the first time I heard death, and then went and saw it.

For a good chunk of the start of my career I sought out therapist to help me understand where I am at, what I am seeing and dealing with, and the changes I notice in myself.  I was already pretty pessimistic before I entered the field, just a regular old cynic at heart!

But I noticed that I got worse, and darker, and more un-trusting.  That drove me to seek out help, and guess what?  It did help.

But I didn't stick with it.

Fast forward several years and after easily 100 different death/murder scenes, I found myself in a really dark place.  It was second nature to me to make up stories to myself about my friendships and my relationships in my head that were untrue.  I was completely closed off and pushed everyone away.  I was struggling at work with remaining professional, struggling at home dealing with my kids, and struggling in my relationship with my wife.  I was in a dark place and the demons were coming.

I was sitting and watching the Bird Box with my wife one night.  I'm not a huge horror fan genre kinda guy, but everyone was talking about how great the movie was so I figured I would watch it.  Some where in the beginning there is a scene where they are driving a truck and there was a guy laying in the street with his mouth wide open and his eyes bulging out in a look of terror.  They drove over him.

As soon as that scene happened I became physically ill.  Like fighting throwing up.  I got the chills really bad, like a flu suddenly over took me, heart racing and my breathing was out of control like I just did cardio.  I got up and left the room.  I couldn't (at that time) explain to my wife why I couldn't watch the movie, I just couldn't watch it.

A couple months prior to the movie I was on a scene of a DOA in backyard of an abandoned building with an overgrown lawn.  The guy had shot up and died of an overdose.  It was the middle of the summer and he was out there a very solid 24 hours in the direct sunlight.  Well he shriveled up a bit which caused his head to lolly backwards, his mouth agape, and his eyes wide open and bulging out.

I remember the flies crawling in and out of his nose and mouth.

It took me a while to figure out what caused my physical reaction to the movie I was watching, and it was this call.  I reached out to a clinic that I had gone to previously and reentered my journey on my mental health.  I still see a therapist, although frequency has dropped to once a month, but it has kept me balanced and sane.

If you're a cop, firefighter, paramedic, or anyone that deals with death and trauma, we owe it to ourselves first and foremost to ensure we are maintaining our capabilities in our positions.  We are useless to others if we aren't whole ourselves.  I know its cliche, but the imagery of a oxygen mask on a plane.  We need to help ourselves before we can really help others.  

Everyone of us has a call that sticks with us, that haunts us, that takes us to those dark places in our minds.  I'm by no means saying do not explore those dark places, but know you do not have to go alone, and you shouldn't go alone.  It's when we go alone and we stay there that the demons come, and they will win in the end.  That can mean doing something egregious at work and ruining a career, or something permanent like taking your own life.

Every cop knows the statement, "I can't do that anymore because of this job."  That can mean eat a certain food, a smell, a specific place, a vehicle, something.  We all have that something that will remind us of THAT call and we will do everything to avoid it.  But we need to seek out the appropriate channels to understand it deeper than just having a surface level view or reaction to it.

So if you're a cop (or any first responder) I am imploring you to seek out help, and seek it out before you "think" you need it.

I look at it like this, when your tread is getting low on your tires on your personal vehicle do you keep driving on them till you wear them down to the steel belts, or do you get them replaced?  Changing them out is just the same, but when you wear them down too far you run the risk of them blowing out and causing a crash.  Getting them replaced when the tread is worn down but not out is preventative maintenance.

We all need that preventative maintenance for ourselves on this job.  Seeking out a professional to talk to, whether that is an EAP program through work or outside services, prior to you ready to blow out means you can keep yourself rolling with less interruptions.  It also means you're a more pleasant person to be around at work AND at home.  My goal is to cash a lot of checks after I retire and be present of mind as I do so.

But I also want to have presence of mind NOW so I can enjoy my family life, my friendships, and my hobbies to the fullest.  And we all need YOU to still be here too, in every aspect not just physically taking up space.

We're in the line of fire and we need to make sure we get out alive AND well.

If you don't want to talk to a professional talk to someone you trust, a colleague or friend, pastor or priest, or even reach out to me.  I'm a good listening potato and I do not judge.

If you need immediate help, the National Suicide Prevention hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and every day of the year at 800 273 8255.

Just know it isn't always darkness and you don't have to dwell in it alone.